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Mar. 10th, 2008 | 08:28 pm

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the darkness discovering the day

Oct. 21st, 2007 | 08:21 pm

Something is going on inside me and I don’t know even how to name it. I feel like I am fighting. There is a song that I like that says ”it seems like the daylight is coming and no one is watching but me”

I feel sometimes like no one is watching the beauty and wretchedness around them. There are simple things that revel to me that God is trying to get us to just see each other. He puts us in a place and gives such beauty to people. everyday things are so beautiful and so sad. There are moments, like at an intersection, when all the lights are red, those moments to me are like magic, it seems like a mistake that the other light should have turned green by now but hasn’t and it gives us all a moment of sameness at least in general, and we can feel connected in that commonality. There is beauty in the fact that one of my co-workers adopted a baby years ago, because it was a shaken baby. that kind of love and respect for life is amazing and can’t be conjured up by mere mortals. It is beautiful, i know that individual days had to be hard for her but she loves him and he loves her. and the sum is worth more.

I know this is rambling on but I feel so alone sometimes in observing small things, (like the complex masterpiece of a peanut shell. It is so amazing and brilliantly made.) I marvel at the complexity of the interactions of people and how everything works together. It feels like all of humanity is a living organism that breaths and moves and can feel each other in a way.

There are also horrible things in this world. We are selfish beings, we are willing to let others suffer and toil just to supply us with things. We are uncaring and evil we create problems for ourselves and complain when we are in situations that we have made. and that is just everyday bad things.

We sit like apathetic zombies in front of glowing screens while the world passes with people longing for acceptance and love, and we don’t give it to them because it would mean a change to our routine or it would inconveince us in some way or they don’t look like we do, or aren’t of the same social class or religion or sexuality.

It is hard to make sense of how so much beauty and sadness can co-exist. how a person can have experienced love and also hate. it is like when the sun is on the horizon and you can’t tell if it is dusk or dawn. it may look the same but what we make of it or what follows it is what makes the difference either that horizon will fall into darkness or discover the day. We must remember that everything we do, any choice ripples though our entire lives. And Jesus told us that, when he told us that the murder starts in our minds and works its way out till it is having it’s way with other people in our lives and then outward. For if we can be lowered enough to hate we will also kill. But we can love and love will do the same as hate, it will work its way out and effect the people around us in ways we could never imagine.

I thank God for the freedom to be what we choose to be, we can be darkness or light, He wants are love. but doen’t demand it.

I was in church today, listening to what I considered to be a sales pitch instead of a sermon and as I was railing against the figures and facts about mega- churches and how to correctly shake someones hand I saw a stream of light reflecting off the pew a few rows up. That light was the reason I stayed because I thought that was a good enough “sermon” to have been there, and I thougth it was a great symbol that the light reflected out of the church building back into the world.( at least it appeared to, to me)

I feel like right now God wants me to see others, and see Him in others, I think He is serching behind my eyes for me and longing to find Himself.

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there's a storm in my heart

Mar. 17th, 2006 | 04:35 pm
music: Delta Moon- Higher Ground


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    I am kind of low right now...alot of things are happening all at once and it is hard to keep sight of things that are really important.


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